If you are looking for some quick and easy ways to irritate and aggravate everyone on your next flight, please follow these easy steps. For maximum effect, be sure to implement these tactics on a long-haul flight.
1. Encourage children to scream as loudly as possible. The act of traveling with small children, in itself, is not going to irritate anyone. Millions do it every year and it usually doesn’t bother anyone. However, to take it up a notch and really start provoking anyone within 10 rows of your family, encourage your kids to behave as badly as possible. There is no need to reprimand them for screaming continuously for 6 hours since everything a kid does is cute, right? In fact, tell them they are being good so that they think their tantrums are actually the preferred method of behavior.
Optional: While the children are screaming, don’t stop them from climbing over the seatbacks around them. This will surely send the person in front of you into apoplectic fits.
2. Get drunk and belligerent.
3. Do not take into account anyone else’s comfort. Rather than determine if the person behind you is very tall or using their tray table, randomly and without warning recline your seat as far as possible. To further aggravate, make sure the person behind you is really tall and that you have no intention of sleeping, you merely wanted to experience that dramatic 3 inches of recline.
4. Act surprised when boarding the plane. Rather than organize your belongings prior to embarkation, act totally shocked that you are flying somewhere and will actually need to remove items from your bag in order to use them. Please make sure to enter the plane and stand in the aisle for as long as possible, rooting through your bag like a sow on the trail of an elusive truffle. If you take enough time, the flight attendants may visit with you, which is always super fun.
5. Whack people in the head with your carryon bags as you board the plane.
6. Similarly to number three, act completely surprised that the plane has landed. After the requisite pronouncements of shock, again repeat the practice of organizing your belongings at the last minute and in the aisle. Being detained after a 9 hour flight will quickly send people over their boiling points.
See, it’s not that difficult to annoy an entire planeload of people. Follow these steps and you too can become a horrible traveler.
